Don't Forget Old Acquaintances

It's the eve of another new year, and on this day where resolutions are made, champagne is chilled and party goers don their finery, I can't help but reflect on my friendships. This one's for you, my peeps! I've always loved Robbie Burns', Auld Lang Syne. I know it sounds like he's saying that we should forget our old acquaintances, however I believe he's saying that we should remember our old friends as they have made us who we are. They deserve some honour on New Year's Eve (or Hogmanay, if you're Scottish) or any day. This is what I hope I am going to accomplish today. Webster defines 'friend' as, one attached to another by affection or esteem. I love that, however there is so much more that goes into a quality, lasting friendship. Affection and esteem as just the starting points.

I am truly blessed to have so many extraordinary friends surrounding me. The fact that some of my friendships have remained solid for over 20 years, with some going on 30 years, is astounding! (When did we get so old?) The best thing about these relationships is that there is no pressure, only encouragement and acceptance. I may not see some of them for months and months, and when we finally do get together, we pick up right where we left off. I have never once thought, "why isn't she calling me, why aren't we able to get together more often?", and my friends don't pressure me at all either. That's true friendship! I love you girls. Maybe we got over all of that high school egocentric gobbledygook and forged a rock solid foundation of trust and love.We accept each other. For instance, my life long friends know that I secretly love Barry Manilow, and don't judge me. They know that I will watch good romantic comedies a few hundred times, and that during the 80's my favourite colour was peach. It's comforting to be myself, and I know that these fine ladies will always have my back.

I do have new friendships which I have made, mostly through my daughters' school and activities. These women are inspiring, fun-loving and wise. We talk about problems we are experiencing with our kids, spouses (not my perfect husband, of course), teachers, and countless other things. Often times we just ask, "what are you making for dinner?", just to get some new ideas. I know, it sounds ridiculous to bond over culinary undertakings, but we are all in the throes of raising small people, and it really helps to bounce ideas off of one another. It's comforting to know that we are all in the same boat, and that the boat is stocked full of life-preservers.

Now, onto my two of my most favourite people on the planet earth. My sisters. Where would I be without them? Honestly, I don't know. I am truly grateful for having them in my life, and that we have such a close bond. I often wonder, how did we become so close? Did my mother encourage us to be close? I really don't know. Perhaps, it is because of my father's death when we were relatively young that brought us together. Anyway, whatever it is, it is a fabulous thing. It's not just the sharing of clothes and make up, it goes deeper that that. I wish I could put my finger on exactly the right word to sum up our bond, but it's so many things that no one word seems to suitable. Obviously, it's blood and genes and environment that bring us together, however I know siblings that share all of that hereditary stuff and only tolerate each other. For us, maybe we just want to be close. We want to be best friends, so we are.

My hope is that my girls will be as fortunate as I am to have lasting meaningful relationships with inspiring, supportive women, and also, be each other's soft place to fall. I am humbled by you fantastic women, and on the eve of another new decade, I wish you all health and happiness, always. xox

Falling in Love With My Baby

After an evening of wine and a gabfest about being moms, two friends suggested that I blog about bringing my first born daughter home from the hospital and the feelings I experienced on that pilgrimage into motherhood. My friends said that my frankness could help other moms to realize that not knowing what to do all the time is normal. Seriously? Were they drunk? Probably, or so I thought until this morning when one friend emailed me to ask why I hadn't written that story yet. I didn't know I was taking requests, but I'll do it anyway. Damn, the things I do for my friends.

As you know, I had a little girl on a Saturday in March, eight years ago. I won't go into the gory details of the labour other than to say that it was long and I hadn't slept in two days. I really felt like my dreams were coming true that morning. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and have a daughter. I had already planned our shopping trips and our confabulations while lying on her bed. It was going to be a wonderful adventure! While we were in the hospital everything was grand. I had a ton of visitors all telling us how lucky we were and how great I looked, which was total bull-shit, by the way. That night the baby was screaming in her hospital cradle so I brought her into my bed. I slept for about 5 seconds, but the baby fell fast asleep and I was just thrilled to hold my peaceful baby. In the hospital, breastfeeding seemed to be going well while the nursed helped me. Obviously, this mom thing was going to be a breeze. I was a natural! Yeah, right.

The day finally came when we got to bring our baby home from the hospital. That was also the day that my hormones kicked in and that lack of sleep caught up with me. Before our release into the real world the baby had to have a blood test. That's the one where they prick their feet and they scream bloody murder. You know the one. Well, I started bawling and the nurse had to take me into the hall so the technician could do her job. Not cool. So, then they had to show us how to put her into the car seat which I knew wouldn't be a problem because we had been practicing for months with my Curious George doll. So, off we go home. Despite the fact that my husband drove slowly home, I felt every bump along the road. (Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.) When we got home, my mom, my youngest sister, and my mother-in-law were all there to lend a hand. As soon as I walked through the door I felt so overwhelmed that I just broke down. My mom made me try to eat soup, but I couldn't hold the spoon so my sister spoon fed me while I was laying on the couch crying and shaking. I tried to feed the baby when she woke up but I couldn't get the proper latch and I was crying and she was crying and that just made me cry more. I felt like a mental patient. I just couldn't feed the baby. I couldn't even hold her without crying. I wanted to be a mother my entire life and now that I was I just couldn't do it. What the hell was wrong with me? I didn't know, and I'm sure my husband was wondering when the next flight to Timbuktu was leaving. I don't blame him. I was a total nightmare. I was ordered to sleep. I don't know if this has ever happened to you or not, but I was so over tired it was almost impossible to calm down and sleep. Also, I could hear my daughter crying so I kept getting up to see if I could feed her, which I couldn't. I was useless, my boobs were useless. Natural mother, my ass. I was failing and I knew it, and there was no escape. Welcome to the wonderful world of mommy-guilt!

After two weeks of the baby screaming and several trips to the doctor and the breastfeeding clinic, we decided she needed a bottle. I was totally fine with this idea by then. I just needed everyone to stop crying. Guess what. It worked like a hot-damn, for the baby, that is. Peace at last. It was such a relief but we were not out of the woods yet. I was still suffering in silence and crying when I was alone and the baby was sleeping. I should have won an Academy Award for my portrayal of a normal mom. Inside I felt confused, disoriented, and numb. I didn't tell a soul, not even my husband. During this time, a family friend had had a baby as well. We were invited to the shower and I really didn't want to go, but I went and I brought the baby along too. I put on my happy face and went through the motions of having a good time. (It's a good thing this was before I got back into drinking again because things could have become messy.) We were taking a photo of my daughter and my friend's new baby together when my friend turned to me and said,
"Did you ever think that you could love a person this much?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I can barely make it through the day and all my friend can think about is how much she's in love with her baby! I really don't know what my response was, but I was thinking that if she was having such a gay ol' time with this motherhood thing she could have my baby for a few days, that was fine with me. I could use the break. Somehow, I held it together until I got home. I brought the baby in and handed her off to my husband. That night I seriously wondered what was wrong with me and I knew that my husband and the baby deserved so much more than I was capable of giving.

It took about six weeks until I started to feel better. I knew I didn't feel like I had before I had the baby. Carefree, no responsibility. Those days were over forever, but I was transforming into the new me. The me with a baby and I was happy. The fog that I was living under had cleared and I could really start to enjoy my baby. I had actually fallen in love with her. I wasn't a dead-beat mom after all. Yay! Don't get the wrong impression, though. Through the first six weeks I did love my baby. I cared for her, fed her changed her, I kissed and hugged her a lot, but I didn't feel that deep undying, unwavering love that I feel now. Of course, it's never easy and there are always new and exciting challenges. Often times I have no clue what to do. It's trial and error. The first six weeks of being a mom was a disaster and I suppose on looking back I had a serious case of the baby blues and I should have told someone how I felt, but I got through it. I love my baby who is now 8 and I can't imagine life without her. Cliche, I know, but it's the truth! I don't know if this will help anyone out there, but it feels good to get all that off my chest. Phew!

Staying Home With The Kids Ain't Always Easy But It's Worth It. (One Mom's Opinion)

I'm pretty lucky to be able to stay home with my girls. Well, actually, truth be told, I really should work because, well, let's just say we're sacrificing a few things for me to be here on my computer- I mean, here with the girls. Fortunately, I don't care that much about 'stuff'. I'm happy to make financial sacrifices for the sake of being home. The reasons I stay home are a) I know it's best for kids to be with their mother especially in the early years, and b) if I were to work full time I would be bitter and stressed out because I would miss all the important little things that went on in my girls' day, and c) my personality is such that I know I wouldn't be able to do the household tasks that are necessary to running a home plus be present for my kids if I worked full time. I would just want to come home and lounge on the couch and my girls deserve the best that I can give them. I didn't like working full time before I had kids. I know some may call me lazy. Go ahead. At least I'm honest. I just simply don't do stress. If I think a situation will be stressful I will turn and walk the other way. That's me! I also don't do drama but that's a topic for another blog.
Being at home full time does get stressful, let me tell you. Allow me first say that I'm blessed to have two amazing girls ( I know no one wants to hear about how moms think their kids are amazing so I'll leave it there) but even so, I find it quite challenging sometimes to be home all the time with them. Just them and me. Oooo, that actually sounds a bit spooky! Like I've said before, I think I'm a calm person. Some may say laid back. Put two screaming kids together with a tired mom, a mountain of laundry and breakfast dishes still on the table at lunch time and you have a recipe for a meltdown and I'm not talking about the kids having a meltdown. Laid back mom quickly transforms into a cross between the Wicked Witch of the West and the scary lady from Goonies, or as I have dubbed myself, Psycho Mom from Hell and it's not pretty, my friends. I do my best not to become overwhelmed by the everyday drudgery because, well, I really don't like that Psycho Mom from Hell. She is unattractive and hateful and the kids think she's a total nut job. I do have a secret to reveal though. It actually feels good to go ape sh*t and let out the pent up steam every once in awhile. That's when I start talking to myself in my out loud voice and run into my room and slam the door shut to my bedroom and start throwing stuff. It's an adult temper tantrum and from time to time it happens. I'm not proud but it is cathartic. I guess what I'm to say is that it not all sugar and spice around here all the time. Sometimes we all go a little loony and need a break. For me, all is well after a glass of wine.

Get Penderized. It's A Beautiful Thing

We just got back from Pender Island, BC where my youngest sister's husband's family have a beautiful vacation home situated on the beach in Peter Cove. Pender Island is absolutely gorgeous and is one of my favourite places. Being on Pender Island is relaxing to the MAX. Now, for those of you who know me you know that I am not a huge nature fan. As a matter of fact I barely like outside but when I am there on Pender I actually spend most of the time outside. OK, well I mostly sit outside on the deck with a glass of wine in my hand but I am outside. That must count. The girls, on the other hand, spend every waking second on the beach exploring and searching for the perfect shell, finding jelly-fish (they found one that resembled a deflated silicone breast implant, ewwww) and swimming in the ocean, which is not warm but they don't seem to mind. The beautiful thing about the location of the house is that you know the girls are safe except for maybe the odd scraped knee or splinter. That peace of mind only adds to the tranquility and restfulness of the place. It's kind of like kicking it old school because the kids just go all day and you call them when it's time for lunch or dinner. Remember how it was when we were young? That's the Pender life.

One thing that could put a damper on your restful holiday on Pender is being there with someone whose idea of a good time is to go, go, go. Let me just explain. I am one of those people who enjoys realxing with a beverage and some snacky foods and just chatting or reading. I don't plan out my day except for planning what I'm going to eat or drink next. That's pretty much the extent of my day on holiday (and sometimes at home). OK, I may go on one very small hike once or twice but I will bring some wine as a reward when I reach the top. Truly, I just don't want to be bothered!!!
All in all, my vacation on Pender was exactly as it should be. We were all did our own thing in order to have a fulfilling holiday and that's the way it should be. I call this getting 'Penderized'.

Not Just A Day At The Beach

My middle sister has two girls just about the same ages as my girls and they are all really close, and I love it! I think it is one of the best things for the girls that they grow up together, not just as cousins but as friends. When the girls were babies and would play side-by-side I remember hoping that one day they would actually play together and enjoy it. Now that day has come and it really is fabulous.
A few days ago I took all four girls to the beach while my sister was working. The day was quite spontaneous as I hadn't made any plans but I knew that I wanted to do something other than just hang out at the house. Fortunately, we live up the street from a beautiful beach so we headed down there for the day with our snacks, both healthy and not, and an array of mismatched shovels and pails. I brought my chair, big floppy hat and iPod and dock station for some tunes. I didn't bring any libation as I normally would had I been going with a girlfriend but I didn't want to be that mom so I decided to abstain.
As I was settled in my comfy chair listening to Vivaldi (I'm kind of a nerd, I know) and I looked out at the girls I saw something that brought a tear or two to my eye. They were skipping and dancing along the wide open beach holding hands and laughing. I don't think I have ever felt so much love and pride as I did at that moment. I don't know what it was about that particular moment that effected me so greatly. It could have been the beautiful setting coupled with the beautiful scene. Now, if I had brought a bottle of wine it would all make perfect sense for me. The girls were so carefree and innocent as all children should be and I thought to myself, 'your dream of all the girls becoming friends for life is a reality'. I started picturing them as adults still hanging out and reminiscing about the fun days of their youth spent together at the beach with the best Aunt and mother four lucky girls could ever have. I hope I'm in their memories somewhere! I guess I'm just getting older and I understand how important family is to enjoying a secure and stable life. I hope they are always dancing and laughing together. Just writing this blog is bringing on the tears. Ahhhh..... motherhood, it's a wonderful journey.

The Mom Mysteries Part One Breastfeeding

Everyday of motherhood brings new and often confusing issues to deal with. I never know if the decisions I make for my family are the right ones or if I'm just arming my girls with ammunition for the counselling they will need as adults. Yes, maybe it will be all my fault but I hope I do make a few good choices along the way.

Today, I was at a pool party with my girls and about 6 other moms and their kids. One of the moms had a newborn baby. The baby was so fresh and sweet, I was aching to hold her but I had just met the mother and she didn't know me so, I didn't ask. A few minutes later the baby was hungry and the mom just whipped out her breast and started to feed her baby. I was so happy to see that this mom was comfortable with feeding her baby openly because I truly believe that breastfeeding does not need to be hidden away. I started to wish that I had felt that comfortable when I was breastfeeding. I probably would not have come to the pool party if I knew that my baby would be needing to be fed while we were there. I breastfed my youngest daughter for 7 months and I still do not understand how to do it. For me, there was nothing comfortable or easy about breastfeeding. I was never able to throw a blanket over my shoulder and just let her feed. I just never got a feel for it, I guess. Nothing about breastfeeding for me was natural but I kept at it despite having mastitis 5 times and being so sick one night that I fainted in the hallway causing my husband to consider calling 911. I have since self-diagnosed myself with a 10 month case of post par tum depression (that's another story) which could have played a role in my inability to get the hang of it. Speaking of hanging, another element to this mystery was definitely that fact that I went from a D cup to a GGcup. I had to order bras online. Now, to paint a picture for you, I am 5'2'' and weigh about 120. Imagine! You would think that those double G's would produce a dairy farm's worth of milk, but no. I needed to take domperidone( which I like to call Dom parignon) to help with milk production which actually didn't help. And, to make matters worse, my lactation nurse told me that the only way to produce more milk was to feed the baby and then pump afterwards. SO, I was either feeding or pumping! Are you getting the picture? This went on for 7 months until I couldn't take it any longer. Who knows what effect my anxiety and stress during the first few months of my daughter's life will have on her. Again, I'll be paying for that in her counselling sessions, no doubt. You can understand that to see this mom have such an easy time of it made me envy her. Breastfeeding will have to remain a mystery to me.