The Mom Mysteries Part One Breastfeeding

Everyday of motherhood brings new and often confusing issues to deal with. I never know if the decisions I make for my family are the right ones or if I'm just arming my girls with ammunition for the counselling they will need as adults. Yes, maybe it will be all my fault but I hope I do make a few good choices along the way.

Today, I was at a pool party with my girls and about 6 other moms and their kids. One of the moms had a newborn baby. The baby was so fresh and sweet, I was aching to hold her but I had just met the mother and she didn't know me so, I didn't ask. A few minutes later the baby was hungry and the mom just whipped out her breast and started to feed her baby. I was so happy to see that this mom was comfortable with feeding her baby openly because I truly believe that breastfeeding does not need to be hidden away. I started to wish that I had felt that comfortable when I was breastfeeding. I probably would not have come to the pool party if I knew that my baby would be needing to be fed while we were there. I breastfed my youngest daughter for 7 months and I still do not understand how to do it. For me, there was nothing comfortable or easy about breastfeeding. I was never able to throw a blanket over my shoulder and just let her feed. I just never got a feel for it, I guess. Nothing about breastfeeding for me was natural but I kept at it despite having mastitis 5 times and being so sick one night that I fainted in the hallway causing my husband to consider calling 911. I have since self-diagnosed myself with a 10 month case of post par tum depression (that's another story) which could have played a role in my inability to get the hang of it. Speaking of hanging, another element to this mystery was definitely that fact that I went from a D cup to a GGcup. I had to order bras online. Now, to paint a picture for you, I am 5'2'' and weigh about 120. Imagine! You would think that those double G's would produce a dairy farm's worth of milk, but no. I needed to take domperidone( which I like to call Dom parignon) to help with milk production which actually didn't help. And, to make matters worse, my lactation nurse told me that the only way to produce more milk was to feed the baby and then pump afterwards. SO, I was either feeding or pumping! Are you getting the picture? This went on for 7 months until I couldn't take it any longer. Who knows what effect my anxiety and stress during the first few months of my daughter's life will have on her. Again, I'll be paying for that in her counselling sessions, no doubt. You can understand that to see this mom have such an easy time of it made me envy her. Breastfeeding will have to remain a mystery to me.